new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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