Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
