why didn't you poke me back
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Randomize
