Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
