My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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