I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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