While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Randomize
