Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
