i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
