im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
