he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
