I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
If I die, sorry about rent.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
