I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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