I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I just cut my nipple shaving
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
