Small penises have feelings too.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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