Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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