I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
