I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Randomize
