I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Semen is not good for contacts.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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