You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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