I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
