You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
