Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize