So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
