dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Randomize