I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Randomize
