I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize