I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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