You're my little dorito
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
