Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
