Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
