i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
What a dumb baby whore.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Randomize
