Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
