I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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