you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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