Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize