Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
