I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
oh god was she eating orange peels again
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
