Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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