Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
