Someone shit on the floor
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Randomize
