Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
