I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
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