guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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