I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
