I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
