Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
