your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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