I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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