Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
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