And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
