tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
NoShamevember. You game?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
