Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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