It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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