Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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